Can I let you in on a secret? Valentine’s Day is not my favorite holiday. I see it as a day that may be filled with pressure to perform. I pity some of my friends (both men and women) who jump through hoops to try to “get it right” when nothing they try will be enough.
Let me share my definition of romance and a few tips for long lasting love with you today. Yes, I may use a cliché or two but a kernel of truth found in old sayings will sometimes lodge in our hearts. Here’s one of my favorite cliché that I recite after a blow-out fight. Yes. Even after 37 years of marital bliss, Jim and I still have an occasional knock-down drag-out argument.
Love is not a feeling, it is an act of your will. How do you think couples can forgive each other when someone makes a horrific mistake? Think about it. Do you get all those touchy feely mushy feelings of love and romance right after your partner tells you they lost the rent money on a sure thing or when she open her mouths and starts nagging? NO. It takes an act of your will to stop thinking about the hurt or anger and sit down and hash it out. Marriages that last are the result of two people sitting down and no matter what it costs, hearing what the other is saying (this means you train yourself to really listen instead of conjuring up what you are going to say next) and then taking actions to work it out. Marriage is not for the faint hearted.
I had a dear friend whose husband betrayed her with another woman. Even though they were Christians, I told her to take the kids and leave him. She told me, “No! This is the man I want to grow old with, I will not leave him.” That was close to 20 years ago and he has never made that mistake again and they have lovingly lived all those years together. My friend saved her marriage by not going by her feelings ,that were crushed, but by setting her will to do everything possible to work things out. It was not easy but they worked it out and they are growing old together just as she desired.
Bows on Boxes: I read a book on happy marriages when I was a newlywed and it told a story of a wife whose stoic German husband never gave her any gifts or showed her little affection. She decided to focus on the good things about him instead of all his mannerisms that were hurtful to her. One day she went into his shop and put gift wrapping bows on several of his dirty boxes of junk. When he asked her what on earth was she thinking?” She replied, “I appreciate what these boxes represent, you work hard to earn a living for us using your hands.” He didn’t say too much but several days later, he brought her a small wrapped gift, the first one in many years. Bows on boxes simply means to look for the good not the screw-ups in your partner. I hate to hear women degrading their partners. There are no arranged marriages in our area, no one put a gun to your head to force you to marry anyone. It was your choice. Value your choice. A foolish woman (or man) tears down her house with the words of her (his) mouth. If you can’t say something good, zip it! When I get really mad at Jim, I choose by an act of my will to think on his many good qualities instead of the things that drive me crazy. We all do things that irritate our spouses but love covers over, it does not magnify a multitude of sins.
Relationships are like Velcro. There are lots of analogies here! Velcro has two halves that are designed to fuse together and make a bond that takes great force to pull apart. When youngsters talk about “hooking up” many times they are talking about multiple partners and very brief encounters. We all know friends who are on their fourth or fifth marriage or partner. Why can’t the twitter-pated feelings of that first kiss last? Many times it’s because they have gotten into the habit of ripping off their half of the Velcro that is holding that relationship together at the first sign of pressure or when “they’ve lost that loving feeling”. When you constantly shift partners, your Velcro gets so loose that it becomes much more difficult to maintain a lasting relationship. The good news is that you can refresh the Velcro, learn new techniques and live happily ever after! Yes, I do believe in happy endings!
Be there in the morning. The last piece of advice I can give you on how to sustain lasting relationship is a new skill-set Jim and I have discovered after a huge fight. We were cutting grass together and I laid into him about his actions that I didn’t understand. I let her rip and so did he! I jumped back on the zero turn and drove off in a huff. His explanation of what he was doing made sense so after I calmed down a bit, I made a pass right by him and blew him kisses. I didn’t feel any gooey feelings, I just wanted to lighten the moment and made the choice to show him I loved him and I used humor to say I was sorry right then rather than staying in a stew.
Jim has just spent 6 weeks recovering from surgery. I was pleasantly surprised at how peaceful a season it was overall, but every now and then he would say something hurtful. When someone is in pain, it’s harder to keep your spirits up or your mouth shut. This skill-set we are learning in our retirement years is to “Be there in the morning.” It means that no matter how mad we are when we go to bed, God’s mercies are new every morning and we start each day with a clean slate. We chose to “be there in the morning.” Jim gets up earlier so I get to be greeted with a cheery “Hi Honey!” after a previous tough day knowing that we are moving forward on our issues by using this concept. I smile back and we both know that we are choosing to wipe the slate clean and work on our relationship even though it is often not easy, simply because the benefits of a long lasting marriage are so worthwhile. I love that man!
So on this Valentine’s Day you will hopefully be encouraged to give the lasting gift of loving your partner even when your heart is not gushing romantic feeling. The tingling feelings are still there, love deepens with time. Oh there’s one of those clichés! You will not “major on the minors” (another clique) but it goes with putting bows on boxes so you can remember how much you love your choice in a mate. You will restore your Velcro by working on the present relationship rather than moving on to what “looks like greener pastures on the other side of the fence.” Oh that was an excellent use of that clique! And you will strive to “be there in the morning,” even when your flesh would still like to rehash yesterday’s fight.
I may or may not receive a Valentine’s Day present this year but Jim is the master of all-year-long surprises! One of the most wonderful gifts was the countless hours and expense he insisted on putting into the custom concrete raised bed, fitted to my height, so that I can keep gardening as I age. It was a true labor of love and a testament to his devotion to me. I am loved. Often when he comes back from picking something up at Buchheit, he will hand me a bag and say,” I found you a present!” with a big smile on his face. It may be something useful like a new pair of gardening gloves or paint for a project or something silly. It doesn’t matter! He is really handing me his heart and that’s the real gift that we all want from our mates every day including Valentines’ Day! Hug your honey! Enjoy the day! Be Blessed! Proud to be Mrs. James A. May
